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Rich Uncle Skeleton: I know power rankings are subjective as fuck, but you've got Denver below...

SLaird22: Lamont Jordan is dead last on the list of people I would mess with. Even below John...

CJ: This was a total 3 O'clock High moment, the underdog whacking the bully around the parking...

twoeightnine: I hadn't seen that Lamont Jordan clip before. Glad to see someone on the Raiders...

Irish T: Yeah - those were entertaining. The Steelers are a top 10 team in the MAC conference but...

jerloma: Well you may have never done power rankings before and generally I won't pay attention...

Fnl= #1: last comment typo- is* not that common. beanspants1- quote "they have to win EVERY game...

Fnl= #1: WOW! This show just gets better every week. If you have missed the first three shows...

The Big Picture: "defense that defends their endzone about as well as Lindsay Lohan defended her...

troy polomalu's hair: TWO TEAMS ENTER, ONE TEAM LEAVES! TWO TEAMS ENTER, ONE TEAM LEAVES! I love...

troy polomalu's hair: I feel bad for Rex Grossman right now. He went from being prince of...

lopey: No recap of Friday Night Lights this week? It sucked, imo.

 
     

     
 

 
     

     
 


 
     



     
 
NFL Power Rankings…

I’m just going to point you in the direction of my NFL FanHouse Power Rankings… I’d never done any real power rankings before. I didn’t realize what a pain in the ass it was, especially if you’re doing all the way from 1-32. I actually liked doing the teams at the bottom more than I liked doing the teams at the top. Go figure.


 
 
8 Comments » 
October 18, 2006 1:14 am
 
     


     
 
Well, That Was Historic

It feels like I just witnessed a tragedy. I feel like going out and getting a little Cardinals logo sticker for my car, and a bumper sticker that says something like, “We Will Always Remember: 10-16-06.”

The Chicago Bears became bad guys last night. If this was Wrestlemania III, they’d be Andre the Giant. I used to like them, they were friendly, powerful, generous, and admirable for a while… but then they did something really mean to someone who didn’t deserve it, and now I don’t like them anymore. That’s how I feel… I feel like the Cardinals are a scrawny loner kid that was about to finally beat up the bully, and then the bully landed some lucky bullshit punch and kicked the little kid’s ass. I didn’t want to see that little kid get his ass kicked. What I really feel like, evidently, is expressing myself through analogies right now.

But yeah, the Bears just became like the Patriots, Colts, or Steelers… they’re no longer an improbable upstart team on the rise to greatness, they’re just another good NFL team whose success I resent. And I don’t even fucking like the Cardinals… they’ve just sucked for so long, they finally were about to get a big, signature win… and ouch.

I’m literally sad for them. Everyone takes tough losses from time to time, and I usually don’t offer a ton of sympathy because everyone goes through it… but that one made me actually feel emotional pain… for Neil Rackers, for Cardinals fans, for Dennis Green… but not for Matt Leinart, because he still has his choice of any woman in Arizona or southern California.

Check out this pain:



 
 
14 Comments » 
October 17, 2006 3:23 am
 
     


     
 
A Job Opportunity For The Ladies Out There

It’s an exciting time to be a woman… because Mike Tyson would like to smash your face in. On “Mike Tyson’s World Tour,” Mike is entertaining the notion of fighting women. And I think right now is as good a time as any to mention that I think within the next five years, we’ll see Mike Tyson doing porn.

And when I say “see” him doing porn, I don’t just mean that it’s going to happen. I mean you will actually see it, because I’m going to put it on this website via YouTube. I think Mike Porn’s career will start out as a novelty, being marketed like, “See Mike Tyson give out a vicious pounding of another kind,” and it might make some money for a while… but eventually the novelty will wear off, and it will be more like, “Hot Interracial Action, Volume 6: Starring Jack Blackcock, Hank Shadowmeat, and Mike Tyson.”

Anyway… kinda got sidetracked there. Back on the subject of Tyson fighting women…

“She’s such a prominent, dominant woman in the boxing field,” Tyson said.

When asked if he was joking about fighting women, Tyson said, “I’m very serious.”

Russ Young, a promoter for Wolfe, said such a bout will never happen.

“That’s the first we’ve heard of it,” Young said. “No state would sanction that. She would be outweighed by 60 to 70 pounds. Ann would never entertain the idea.”

Eh, that doesn’t really sound like a clear-cut ‘no’ to me. We’ll leave the door open for future discussions.

Let’s take a look at the best and worst case scenarios for Mike Tyson fighting a woman:

Best case: The event is first protested by all sorts of women’s groups, anti-domestic violence groups, groups that are for basic human decency, etc. But the fight goes on, last four rounds, and has no real entertainment value. Mike doesn’t really try, and it’s just a sad little show that can’t help but depress anyone with the misfortune to watch it.

Worst case: Protestors actually get into the ring, bludgeon Mike with signs and rotting fruit, until security drags them out of there, leaving Tyson sitting on the stool in the corner, chewing on his mouthpiece and crying. Fans begin to boo, because Tyson doesn’t want to fight anymore. One guy in the front row keeps screaming, “Fight, you pussy!” at Tyson until he eventually gets up, wipes his tears away, and starts to fight. In 30 seconds, he has broken all of Wolfe’s ribs, knocked her unconscious, and raped her in front of 5,000 people, some of whom are vomiting, some of whom are crying, and some of whom are cheering him on.

So yeah, this seems like a fantastic idea.

The first stop on Mike Tyson’s World Tour is coming on October 20th in Youngstown, Ohio. A four-round sparring session with Tyson’s pal Corey Sanders is available on pay-per-view for $30. If you were going to buy it, don’t… just send Mike a check for $30 instead.


 
 
2 Comments » 
2:48 am
 
     


     
 
Mr. Smorgasbord…

…can be found here.

Completely unrelated: Anyone know anything about CSS and whathaveyou? I tried to mess around with the blockquotes, and I kinda got them to do what I want… in Firefox, the box goes behind images, but in Internet Explorer, the box goes over top of the images, which is not good… anyone have any idea how I can fix that? If you can help, and you don’t mind, drop me a little e-mail… the address is down and to the left. I’d appreciate it.


 
 
10 Comments » 
October 16, 2006 2:17 am
 
     


     
 
The Brawl: Good Or Bad For The U?


The Miami commentator certainly doesn’t need any convincing that this brawl was good for Miami… and of course, it’s bizarre and wildly irresponsible for a commentator to suggest that a brawl that involves the swinging of helmets and stomping players while they’re down can be construed in any way as a good thing.

The play-by-play guy is talking, and describing what’s happening until the other guy jumps in and starts talking like Ray Lewis outside of a nightclub before the Super Bowl. At that point, the play-by-play just seems bewildered and is like, “Alright, fuck it, then. You talk.”

But you know… maybe that guy’s right. Maybe all the fans that were screaming and holding up the ‘U’s are right. A week or two ago, I was telling people that Miami’s next head coach should be Dennis Erickson. Miami had lost its swagger… the guys on the 7th Floor hadn’t been able to get any pussy for months. Maybe Miami has to choose between a Dennis Erickson lifestyle, scaring the hell out of people, and winning every game by 40… or a Larry Coker lifestyle, with only two or three arrests per year, and an 8-3 record. Maybe it’s one or the other.

I know there are clean teams out there that can also win… but Miami’s just not one of them. It’s not in their nature. It’s like asking Andrew Dice Clay to do a 60-minute set and make people laugh without making any sex jokes. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

So hey, maybe this was a good thing… not for college athletics, FIU, the Florida legal system, or any sense of public decorum, but for Miami. For ‘The U.’ Maybe they had to go out there and say, “Yeah, we might suck this year… but we’re still the motherfuckers who will beat you with our helmet and put the cleats to you when you’re lying on the ground.” Maybe this was the first step towards setting a new tone in the post-Coker era (which is certainly coming).

And speaking of the stomping… that was #19 Brandon Meriweather’s proudest moment since this play.



 
 
13 Comments » 
2:12 am
 
     


     
 
The Ultimate Insult To Alex Rodriguez

From a Newsday.com article that talks about how great the Knicks believe they’re going to be:

Stephon Marbury was asked if he is the Alex Rodriguez of the Knicks - the highest-paid player apt to receive the most blame. Thomas overheard the exchange from his interview session about 10 feet away and chimed in, “No, no, hell, no. Don’t even go there. No, you’re not.” …

I don’t know what Zeke’s so sensitive about… you’d think he’d be flattered if Marbury was compared to Alex Rodriguez. If he was more like Rodriguez, there would at least be some debate over whether or not the criticism of Marbury was justified, whereas now, the only people who argue with criticism of Marbury are Marbury himself, Thomas, and people who watch the And1 shows on ESPN2.

There are some surface comparisons between the two, I suppose. They are similar in that they absorb some criticism from the New York fans and media, but the biggest difference is that Alex Rodriguez plays a sport where you pretty much play as an individual, and Stephon Marbury only thinks he does.


 
 
6 Comments » 
October 13, 2006 12:47 am
 
     


     
 
Gilbert Arenas Keeps A Clean Colon

From an Esquire feature entitled “The Pathology of Gilbert Arenas” come these quotes… and Gilbert Arenas is on the precipice of becoming universally loved. His personality is an endearing mix of real, funny, relatable, human, grounded, imaginative, slightly crazy, and compulsively eccentric. If you can read these and not like Gilbert Arenas, then don’t know what to tell you.

On going on when the Wizards are on the road:

There’s nothing out there for me. I don’t know those cities. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin’. Me, I’m fine. Time is falling off. Sun’s coming up. I’m doing more sit-ups than the night before. I’ll watch three or four movies. I’ll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I’m like, Man, he makes it sound so good.

On Awvee Storey:

We have a couple of players who are very aggressive, like Awvee Storey. You know, when you have aggressive people, they have to relieve some of that. And I’m one of those people. I don’t care—I wrastle. Wrestling. Hurting. I’ll bite, punch him in the side. I’ll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I’ll punch you in the stomach once. We’ll see who falls on the floor first. It’s like: No punching in the face. No chest and ribs. We don’t hurt each other. I mean, a couple of rug burns here or there. I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy. He was calling me Rudolph. Me and him, we can’t be in the same room. Our personalities clash because he’s a bully and I don’t like being bullied by anybody.

On a XBox NBA 2K6 game where he spotted his friend 200 points:

There’s a minute and a half left, and Real Gilbert is up by 191. Then Game Gilbert gets a steal and throws a long pass—only to have LeBron pick it off. “Sorry, Gilbert,” says Gilbert. “You can’t stop the King.” As the game ticks down, the Cavs and Gilbert—Real Gilbert—are up by 201. John has the ball and is running the clock down for the final shot. At the last second, Antawn Jamison flips in a layup that makes it 331–132. John screams, circling the room, knocking magazines here and there. The man just got beat by 199 points and is ecstatic. Gilbert shakes his head.

On his dream commercial:

You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that’s what I’m gonna do with my shoes. I’ve just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone’s pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they’re jumping off the ledge, they’re missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people’s faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff’s going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she’s looking back running—and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says—he’s gonna have the only line in there—”They said I couldn’t get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing.” And then he rolls off.

And there are a ton more in the lengthy article, which you can read here.


 
 
8 Comments » 
12:45 am
 
     


     
 
Skeet Skeet Skeet, Skate Skate Skate, What’s The Difference…

What you’re looking at is a picture of Lil Jon and Atlanta Thrasher Kari Lehtonen. I just wonder if either of them had heard of the other as of a few minutes before the photo was taken. It looks very much like some public relations person in the room said, “Hey, you two are famous, how about a picture together?” And Lil Jon posed, Lehtonen was still confused, but he jumped in anyway and said, “I do like this?” and tried to make himself fit in. Then both of them left the room and said, “Who the fuck was that guy?”

Gracias, DeJuiced.


 
 
4 Comments » 
12:43 am
 
     


     
 
The Terrell Owens Douchebaggery Continues

None of his comments, when taken by themselves, are all that alarming… at least not in the context of Terrell Owens. Owens unburdened himself to reporters yesterday, and here’s a sampling of quotes:

“I do have a problem when I don’t feel like I’m involved enough,” he said. “I know I can make a difference. That’s not me being arrogant. I just know what I bring to the table. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. … I want to win. I came here to help this team win.”

“Dude, I am playmaker,” he said. “These guys know that. It’s simple. … Get the ball in the playmaker’s hands.”

“The guys in the booth are saying, ‘There he goes again, he’s up to his old stuff again,”‘ he said. “It’s very unfair. … It makes me hesitant to try to do what I need to do.”

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I’ll be siding against Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, but I don’t think that’s unfair at all. All wide receivers want the ball, man. Steve Smith wants it. Marvin Harrison wants it. Torry Holt wants it. But you never see any of those guys screaming about it on the sidelines, they’re not bitching about it in the media, they’re not drawing attention to themselves, because that doesn’t do anyone any good.

I’ve tried really hard to not hate Terrell Owens. I’d still rather have him around than Stephon Marbury… but he makes it so damn hard. I really don’t think he’s purposefully a huge prick, I just think he doesn’t know any better. When he says, “I’m for the team,” and things like that, I believe that he believes what he’s saying… but there’s just some part of his brain missing, the part that allows him to think about things from a point of view that isn’t his.

For example, there should be something that kicks in and says, “Hey, I know you want the ball, but don’t be an asshole about it, because that’s going to fuck with the team, your quarterback, the coach, the media and everything else.” But it doesn’t. It never gets past, “Hey, I know you want the ball.” And then he goes on to rail for something he believes he deserves.

There was also this interesting little note…

He even revealed that the ongoing issues he’s faced the last few months, from a hamstring injury in training camp to an accidental overdose, have driven him to “sit in my house in the dark” instead of having much of a social life.

Well, that lends some credence to the “cry for help” overdose theories, as opposed to the “Terrell Owens is rich, and therefore happy” theory. What kind of a depressed athlete tells the media that they sit around in the dark?

Nelly… you’re a disgrace to depression.


 
 
17 Comments » 
October 12, 2006 1:00 am
 
     


     
 
Paul Hornung Packed Her

Where Paul Hornung dipped his wick is now a relevant factor in Wisconsin’s race for secretary of state. A 65-year-old republican with no prior political experience, Sandy Sullivan, published a memior in 2004 that included tales of her doing the hibbity-dibbity with former Packers Paul Hornung and Dan Currie. Because nothing curries favor with voters like a 65-year-old woman telling sex stories.

The book was titled “Green Bay Love Affairs and Other Affairs,” and you’d have to assume that if it wasn’t about livestock, it would have to be about the Packers. This isn’t quite the sex boat scandal–unless Fred Smoot was somehow get this secretary of state candidate on one end of a dildo, and the state treasurer on the other–but it will do. Check out this passage from the book:

“The football players of the 1950s and ’60s were every bit as ‘HOT’ as the men of the present day, if not more so,” Sullivan writes of the days when she was a trim, miniskirted brunette who did some modeling. “Remember, the ’60s was the ‘dawning of the Age of Aquarius’ and some women … were thrilled to experience this brave, new freedom, and celebrate our sexuality … and the football players loved it!”

Hey, imagine that. The football players in the 50s and 60s liked mowing through hot young trim. What a crazy time that must’ve been! We just can’t relate to those radical modes of behavior. Oh, we’ve learned so much since those barbaric days. Yeah… the only difference between then and now was the amount of pubic hair on the ladies. Also, I think “celebrate our sexuality” is a tremendous euphemism for giving up the poontang.

Another interesting little tidbit is found in this quote from Sullivan, describing her book:

“It tells a little bit about my youth, which was 50 years ago. If anybody has any problems with it, they ought to look in their own closet.”

I just did, and other than the six decomposing prostitutes, I’m straight. But back to her quote… alright, she’s 65. So 50 years ago, she was, let’s do a little quick subtraction… she was… wait, how is Mark Chmura involved in this again? Some things are just Green Bay tradition, I guess.

She recounted an encounter with Hornung during training camp in which Hornung picked her up at 5:30 a.m. and drove to a Green Bay hotel for sex. Some Packer coaches were in the lobby, so Hornung made her climb the fire escape to the fifth floor while he went in through the lobby.

Never let it be said that Paul Hornung isn’t a classy guy. “Hey, sweetheart, would you mind climbing five stories on the fire escape, so I can bang that out real quick? Yeah. Thanks, baby. Get me a pack of cigarettes, too. See you up there.”

And just let me make it clear, that as amusing as all of this might be… from any sort of a political standpoint, I don’t really care. I mean, I don’t care about Wisconsin’s secretary of state, and even if I did, this wouldn’t affect my hypothetical vote. I don’t care that a political candidate was a whore fifty years ago. If I found out that Hillary Clinton once had sex with the entire roster of the Miami Dolphins in one evening, it wouldn’t change how I thought about her politically. It was 50 years ago.

Actually, I can’t say that that’s true. If she spread the whole roster out over two weeks, that’s one thing. But all in one night… yeah, I couldn’t support that. That would be dangerous and unsanitary. But you see what I’m saying.

Now, if this lady had gotten a Cleveland Steamer from Najeh Davenport, on the other hand… then we have a story.


 
 
10 Comments » 
October 11, 2006 1:56 am
 
     


     
 
Hugging Tighter And Tighter On Peter Berg’s Jock…

Just wanted to mention that Friday Night Lights was excellent again last night… even better than the first episode. You might be able to watch it here… but as of the time of this post, it was still showing the first episode. I dunno when or if that’ll change.

I hate to tell you too much about the episode, because you may still want to see it for yourself at some point, but… the scene with the coach and Saracen on the football field… that’s as good as scenes get on network television shows.

Anyway… I never do this. I’ve been asked from time to time to pimp different TV shows or whatever, and I’m usually hesitant to do so, because I’m probably not going to watch them myself. But NBC should put me on the payroll for this, because I’m a big believer. Unfortunately… the ratings aren’t so great (which should probably convince you even further that it’s a quality show), and way more people are watching Dancing with the fucking Stars.

So I’m just going to gently nudge you in that direction one more time. I’m not going to do a weekly review of it or anything, because… that’s just not what I do. But if you’re into TV, and you’re looking for something on Tuesday nights… it’s there, and it’s good.


 
 
15 Comments » 
1:53 am
 
     


     
 
Rasheed Wallace Could Have A Record Year

The number 41 should be as revered in basketball as 715 is in baseball. 714 was Babe Ruth’s record for home runs in the majors, and as SportsCenter made us all aware when Barry Bonds passed it, that number is a big deal, even though it isn’t the actual record. The NBA should follow suit, and try to copycat some of the tradition that Major League Baseball has, and make a similarly big deal about the number 41, representing Rasheed Wallace’s league record for number of technical fouls in one season.

And it might happen this year, because the chase to eclipse that mark will be on. The NBA has adopted a new “zero-tolerance” policy for bitching at officials, and that’s the best damn news I’ve heard all day. Now, I love Rasheed Wallace… love him. But for every one technical he got last year, if I was in Dick Bavetta’s velcro’d-up shoes, I’d have given him five more. Any time he does the wild swinging of his arms, or the flinging of the headband, he deserves one. Rarely does an NBA game pass where Rasheed Wallace doesn’t at least deserve a technical foul.

If the NBA sticks to this, and enforces it with some backbone, we could see the first ever 50 technical foul season in the NBA. I hope SportsCenter has constant updates on the run towards 50… perhaps even assigning Pedro Gomez to the beat.

“It’s just another ‘Sheed Wallace rule,” Wallace said, shaking his head. “It just means I must be doing something right. Any time they change the rules of the game for one specific player, you must be doing something right.”

Sigh.

It’s a fact that the Detroit Pistons didn’t bitch and whine nearly as much in the 2004 championship season as they did in the following two years, and it’s not a total coincidence that the 2004 team was better than the next two incarnations. The 2004 team had more discipline, and they played harder. As their bitching and whining went up in the following seasons, their discipline and work ethic on the court went down. That happened. I’m not implying that it’s a cause and effect, but there is a correlation.

“I don’t understand it, man, especially for a team like ours,” Chauncey Billups said.

“They know we are a very emotional team. I feel like this is a Pistons rule. It just gives them easier access to have us open up and get emotional and then, boom, they bust our bubble. It’s like they are trying to take the emotion out of the game.”

I love Chauncey, too, but… that is absolute bullshit, my beloved point guard. The league is doing you a favor here. Eliminating the whining and crying would make the Detroit Pistons a better team. They won the title in 2004, and they all thought they were superstars, and had this sense of entitlement, like they should get every call, and they had a right to bitch about things when they were wronged, and that they were bigger than the officials… I’m sure they’d deny that, and they can say what they want, but there was a visible change. In 2004, Tayshaun Prince was a quiet, hardworking guy on the court. And I’m sure he’s still the same guy off the court, but on it, he turned into one of the league’s bitchiest players. It drove me nuts.

Understand it, fellas: the league is doing you a favor here. What’s important is the next play you make. Getting mad about a call that you can’t possibly change is not important. It’s self-indulgent, and it’s a waste. Squash it, and focus on what you’re doing to do next.

What the league is actually doing with this policy is stepping in to coach the Pistons where Flip Saunders refuses to do so.

And to step back and take a look at it from a leaguewide standpoint… this is an outstanding policy, and I hope they follow through with enforcing it. Whining and bitching is at an all-time high throughout the league, and I singled out the Pistons, but every team does it. Every single team has at least one or two guys who bitch incessantly–and it actually lessens the fun I have when watching the NBA. It pisses me off, just a little bit, every single time I see it, and I’m glad the league’s doing something about it.

Whew. Hadn’t had an NBA post in a while. That felt good.


 
 
14 Comments » 
1:22 am
 
     


     
 
Randy Edsall Isn’t Playing

Five players have been kicked off of UConn’s football team for disciplinary reasons. Junior defensive end Harold Stanback, junior safety/linebacker Ricky McCollum, sophomore wide receiver Nollis Dewar and two freshmen, receiver Todd Dorcelus and linebacker Carl Teague have all been removed from the team by head coach Randy Edsall… because they bought beer.

Bought beer. Not “drank beer.” Not “hard a big drunken party.” Not “got hammered and passed out in the middle of Rentschler Field.” They just bought two six packs of beer. Really, that’s it.

The team was staying at a hotel before Saturday’s game against Navy, and five guys went across the street to a convenience store. They purchased one six-pack of Heineken (it is UConn, after all), and one six-pack of Corona.

“We were walking back to the hotel and [assistant coach Carl Kotz] saw us. We just said we were going back to the room. He asked if we had anything in our bags and we all said no. Then we were in meetings later and he went through our rooms and searched through all our things and he said he found the beer.

“No one drank it. No one did anything with it. Nothing happened with the alcohol. And I am 21. There was no crime committed at all.”

And they’re gone. I find that bizarre. Did UConn convert to a Mormon school and not tell anyone about it? I understand that you don’t want players drinking the night before a game (and certainly, that’s never happened in UConn or college football history), but you’re going to kick them off the team for beer they didn’t even drink? That seems excessively harsh.


 
 
9 Comments » 
1:19 am
 
     


     
 
Testing The Limits Of The Anus

I can’t imagine the havoc that could be wreaked on a bathroom after a 62-year-old man eats 247 jalapeno peppers. Even worse, I can’t imagine the havoc that is wreaked on that guy’s asshole. He’s going to be walking around the next three or four days with the business end of a fire extinguisher shoved into his rectum.

In a competitive eating contest, this guy, Richard LeFevre, ate 247 japaleno peppers in eight minutes. For being so awesome, the guy won $2,000. $2,000 is not even going to cover the toilet paper that’s going to be necessary after something like that, and it’s also probably not going to cover the rectum replacement surgery that he’s going to need.

I did some research on the subject, and… yes, there is information available out there on this sort of thing. One gentleman at PoopReport.com had this recollection after eating 12 jalapeno peppers:

Fast forward to the following morning: I awoke feeling fine and headed out for work. Not two blocks away, my water broke. I farted, but that might qualify as the understatement of the decade. I sputtered and choked in the wake of my foul ass while rolling the windows down. At this point I honestly thought I’d shit myself because I was basically a paraplegic from the asshole down — my nerve endings had surrendered to the onslaught of that blast. Giving it the old stand-on-the-accelerator trick, I managed to make it two more blocks to a service station. I hopped out, grabbed the key-on-a-cinderblock, and began my walk of shame.

I grunted, I cursed all Heaven and Earth, I sweat, I pushed for twenty minutes while what felt like a flaming Louisville Slugger exited my battered orifice. Once I was spent, I *dabbed* my swollen anal canal and stood to survey the beast.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!”

My violator was almost exactly the size of a smallish jalapeno pepper, with the exact shade of green as the fresh fruit. To this day I’m amazed that something so small took so long to birth, let alone was able to burn and batter the ringpiece beyond all recognition.

– Bluespoo

Sorry about your cornhole, Richard Lefevre.


 
 
15 Comments » 
October 10, 2006 1:45 am
 
     


     
 
Smorgasbord…

…is here.


 
 
4 Comments » 
October 9, 2006 3:54 am
 
     

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College Hoops:
  Pitt Panther Hoops
  Yoco's College Basketball

Baseball:
  MiracleMets
  Gaslamp Ball
  Baseball Musings
  Mondesi's House